the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
