I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize