Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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