You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
