the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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