Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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