I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
