Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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