so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
