Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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