We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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