Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
