i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
