Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
