can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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