Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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