listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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