there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
