And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm always down for nudity.
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