tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
