Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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