saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
