i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
