no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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