Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
