I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
