I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize