I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
