My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize