I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
