Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
