I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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