the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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