I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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