Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
