she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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