I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
