Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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