tell your sister to shave her snatch
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
