All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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