just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
