i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
