i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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