So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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