Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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