And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
