Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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