im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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