When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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