Umm I'm too high to move.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
