I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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