Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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