**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
