I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
