I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
