I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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