Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize