is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
