I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
how does that bad decision feel?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
