My first STD was from a foam party
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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