if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
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