We got so high we made milksteak
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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