You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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