did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize