Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
